• Do you feel essentially defective at your very core? Not good enough? A failure in all or nearly all that you do?• Do you trust yourself? Are you confused when it comes to knowing whether to trust others?• Do you self-sabotage in ways you don’t understand? As if there’s a part of you that acts out in a way that’s outside of your control?• Can you see that you are living down to the expectations of the role of scapegoat and coming to believe that you really are what the narcissist needs you to be?• Are you in the grip of an addiction or compulsive behaviour?• Have you come to see any financial assistance from your parents as the only true measure of their love? You may not realise how you have been controlled and infantilised in this way.• Do you feel you need to do all the work to please others, not having the confidence to realise that they will meet you half-way if they want to?• Do you feel that you attract narcissists and self-absorbed people as friends? Alternately are your friendships tinged with a lack of trust and perceived abandonment? You long for contact but when it comes you feel it as overwhelming and destabilising.• Have you withdrawn from the world? You’ve lost faith in people and are not willing to risk being hurt again• Do you feel like you don’t fit in anywhere? Working in offices or groups is stressful; knowledge of how to behave in these environments seems beyond you and you worry about the outcome.• Do you veer between thinking you are very special and, alternately, deservedly at the bottom of the tree?• Do you rage at others for their imperfections and perceived transgressions?• Are you unable to take criticism without reacting defensively?• Are you in touch with your emotions? Do you have a real knowledge of what your emotional and physical needs are and how to ask for them to be met?• Do you have solid boundaries and an ability to say ‘no’?• Do you know who you really are? Did your parents reflect back to you your real self when you were growing up?• Are you assertive?• Do you have a deep sensitivity to being made a fool of or disrespected? The cruellest trick of all has been played on you – that you believed your family loved you and you now realise they don’t and never did.• Do you have a hugely developed sense of justice, and a hatred of unfairness?• Do you find it difficult to ask for help – your aim is always to be fully self-supporting, except sometimes you collapse and have an overwhelming need for love and support – you can never get the balance right?• Are you an exhausted and perfectionist workaholic, unable to give yourself credit and suffering with imposter syndrome?• Do you struggle with decision making? Are you in touch with and respectful of your gut instincts?• Do you feel that it’s solely your responsibility to work for your partner’s love, for example, and if you don’t get it, it’s due to a shortcoming within you?• Have you been single for years – lost faith in the possibility of a healthy relationship, perhaps not even knowing what real love and a healthy relationship looks like? Deep down you don’t believe that you are attractive enough or deserving enough to have what others achieve with ease.• Do you have CFS or physical ailments such as locked hips?• Do you ‘scapegoat’ a part of your body – singling it out for a special hatred, and you have no real compassion for or connection with your body overall?• Have you been pathologised by your family, told that you are mentally ill, or just a really bad person – the source of all the problems?• Are you told you’re imagining the abuse, or made out to be outrageously rude when you stand up for yourself?• Are you estranged from your family, attempting to lessen contact, or just finding it difficult to strike a balance that means you can have a halfway decent relationship with them?
• you are trauma bonded• lowered self-esteem and confidence as a result of the abuse• your abandonment schema is heightened by the narcissist• a desire to re-experience your partner as they were in the heady days of the love bombing phase and how they made you feel about yourself• the fantasy that one day the narcissist will truly love you – a part of the ‘splitting’ defence mechanism that you would have used from childhood to endure your family environment.• you have a Protector/Persecutor complex